Breaking the Habit of People-Pleasing

If you feel like you may be a people-pleaser, you’re not alone

In a YouGov poll from 2022, 49% of adults surveyed self-identified as people-pleasers. In today’s hyper-connected world, we have a growing obsession with, and cultural proclivity for, being liked and needing to please others. 

People-pleasing can take many forms. Family therapist Virginia Satir defines people-pleasers as placaters—people who feel they have no value except for what they can do for another person. It is my experience that people seek to please others for both conscious and unconscious reasons, including conflict avoidance, securing feelings of indispensability, and reducing fears of abandonment. Their fears of anger and confrontation force them to use agreeableness as self-defense. 

People-pleasing behavior can lead to mental and physical health problems such as fear of rejection, resentment, frustration, anger, headaches, stomach problems, and/or high blood pressure. It can result in weak boundaries, problems with decision-making, low self-worth, dependency, and low competence. For that reason, it’s important to recognize and overcome your own people-pleasing behaviors. Here are several simple exercises that you can start working on today.

1. Practice being alone 

Believing you are lovable for who you are, not what you do, means knowing that people will still be there for you even if you have not made yourself indispensable to them or persisted in frantically searching for ways to please them. 

2. Make a decision by yourself 

Map out your options without gathering input from others or overthinking. Remind yourself that you don’t have to please everyone with your decisions, just yourself. If someone else has an opinion it’s their responsibility to state it, not your responsibility to mind read. 

3. Practice saying “no” 

Be clear, be direct, and use “I” statements. Try statements like: “I would really love to be able to help you, but unfortunately, I’m already committed at that time.” “That activity sounds like a lot of fun. I don’t think it’s exactly for me, but I would love to do something else with you at another time.” 

4. Don’t offer 

Try to stop offering, doing things, or advising, unless you’re specifically asked. This may be difficult if you’re a person who anticipates other people’s wants or needs. Use restraint and wait to be asked.

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